Amish Spring Break

A short/sorta long story by Lisa Marie Dalian:

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July 1, 2006
Dear Diary:
My name is Emma Yoder. I just turned 16 years old and am currently on Rumspringa break in Cabo San Lucas. If you can’t already tell… I’m Amish.

My parents drove me to the Mexican border in their horse and buggy and dropped me and some friends off. We walked our behinds all the way to Cabo to enjoy our new found freedom of our Amish lifestyle. I am tremendously excited and cannot wait to see what God’s wonderful Earth has to offer us. I plan to keep on my traditional sea green frock and bonnet, so as not to entice the boys to be too wild. I want to give the “English” world a try, but I fear my parents would be disappointed with me, as well as God if I were to do anything wrong… like wear shorts, or take a sip of wine.

We just check into our modest hotel, girls in one room, boys on another floor. Tomorrow I believe we will be going to a magical place called the Hard Rock Café. I am anticipating some good food and a little rock and roll to bob my head to. Farewell and God bless.


July 3, 2006
Dear Diary:
I have discovered cool new music the other night. Rap. People can talk really fast. This one rapper (is that what they are called?) is named Ja Rule. He is really good. I like when he talks about the ladies. However I find it odd that he calls everyone “G”. Maybe his lady friend’s name is Gertrude. Maybe he would call me “E”. I also like the rapper Timbaland. Strange he is named after what you say when trees are falling. He is on a new “track” with a lady singer named Nelly Furtado called “Promiscuous Girl”. I almost gave in to the devil by dancing… some boy came up and asked me to shake my tailfeather, G! I told him I was not a goose, silly (maybe that is where the G comes from… hmmm)

Don’t tell my parents… but I kissed a boy last night. I know, it is a sin… I am not even engaged. However, this boy was very nice. His name is Faaron and he is also Amish. I met him on our walk from the Mexican border to the hotel. We have already discussed marriage after rumspringa is over and we join the Amish church.

Well I have gotta get going… time to buy some new clothes. I assure you it is not because I want to look snazzy or anything… but it is hot down here! I need some new slacks anyways… G.


July 6, 2006
Yo, Diary!
So I have been chillin’ like a villain these past few dayz. Sorry I didn’t write in a bit, but so much shit has been going down.

First off, I got rid of that gold digger Faaron. What a douche and a half. The kid was like all up in my grill. He kept asking me, “Do you looooooooove me”.. and I had to tell him to step off. I’m tellin’ ya, G… after I bought those shorts, I have had all the attention turn to me.

I’ve basically ditched all my Amish friends. They are lame. I mean, take the fucking bonnet off already, we are in CABO! Enjoy! God made bikinis… we should comply w/ his wishes and wear them.

So this new girl Anita, the body shotz girl at Senor Frogs introduced me to come of her friends. I had my eye on one peculiar man, but he left to go to his hotel to bed around 8:30pm. So I hung out with Anita and her friend Rachel. Rachel was talking with this guy selling t-shirts up near the bar the whole night and was so paranoid that Jimmy Fallon was at the bar, that I avoided her completely.

Can’t wait for tomorrow…


July 10, 2006
Diary, G:

So..... I am a winner! I won the wet t-shirt contest at some bar I woke up at around 2:30am. I can’t believe I won, little ole Amish me. It was down to me and Rachel, that chick I told you about before… and I think I won because I had one of the guest judges (Jimmy Fallon… I guess she wasn’t imagining things) rip my thong off.

Morals schmorals.

Remember that guy I mentioned the other night. I guess he is some sort of celebrity too. He caught my eye with the rainbow suspenders and the Scrabble shirt. Turns out he was the 2004 National Scrabble Champion. I couldn’t believe it. So I saw him after the wet t-shirt contest and asked him to towel me off. He burped in my face, which I found odd, yet somewhat erotic. He goes by “GI Joel”, which I was told was a play off a popular kids toy from the 70s and 80s. Who the fuck knows. I tried calling him G, but he was having none of that.

We hung out all morning at the Mexican Starbucks and he showed me how to play Scrabble. I kept putting down the letter “G” alone, or names of rappers, but GI Joel would have none of that. He kept challenging my plays and eventually I got sick of it and threw the board in his face and stormed out.

Maybe Faaron wasn’t as big of a douche after all…


July 23, 2006
Hey…

I am heading back home now. I decided after 3 straight wet t-shirt wins, life could go no where but down. Might as well go live off my parents. I just hope my parents don’t mind the scull and crossbones tattoo I have on my right cheek.

So we ran into a bit of a snafu while trying to cross the border back into the U.S. Apparently our President decided to stand out there himself along the border and make sure no Mexicans got into the U.S. He grabbed one of the security’s mega horn and announced, “We will stop these terrorist killers…. Now watch my backswing”, as he took out his 9 iron and knocked one Happy Gilmore style into Mexico.


July 14, 2007

I woke up from my coma today. They say the golf ball hit me with such force that it knocked me clear into the river. The President sent a card he colored himself.

I haven’t seen my parents yet, but I still have my wet t-shirt trophies. I love rumspringa, G!